It's one of those things that all
parents want to provide for their children and one of those things that many
feel they do not know how to do: raise a self-confident child. Self-esteem
oftentimes seems like a fragile, distant thing that we all know what it is but
don't know how to develop.
Your self-esteem is a compilation
of how you feel about yourself. It encompasses everything from your confidence
in relationships, to your body image, to your work life. So how do you foster
this "thing" in your children?
We teach our children
"honesty is the best policy." This applies to how we deal with our
children as much as it does expecting them to be honest with us. When it comes
to your child's self-esteem, he or she will know or be able to sense if you are
not being honest. For example, if art is not your child's top skill, don't say
that his or her drawing is the best you've ever seen.
Your child will know it's not,
and will not believe you the next time you say something meant to be positive,
no matter how honest it is. Instead, tell your child something genuine about
the piece or the effort. Make non-judgmental statements such as, "You
really used your imagination in making the flowers many different colors."
This simply states your observation, rather than a false statement.
Also, understand that your child
and your child's behavior are two separate things. This can be very hard to
remember, particularly when your child is acting out in ways that make you
crazy or that are unsafe.
However, when you discipline your
child for the behavior rather than the person, you can positively influence and
foster self esteem. Why? If your child feels that you are mad, because of who
he or she is as a person rather than for the behavior, this can negatively
affect your child's self-esteem. Using "I" statements helps with
this. Say something like, "I don't like it when you leave your toys
scattered all over the floor," which also addresses the behavior, rather
than, "You are a slob," which attacks their character.
Let your child make some
decisions. Children are in a situation where everyone else is constantly
telling them what to do, when to do it, where to go, and more. When children
are allowed to make some choices, even if it's something small, they learn to
be self-reliant.
You don't want your children
growing up feeling dependent on others for direction. Simple choices such as
what to wear (you can offer two or three choices) or choosing a special lunch
item will foster your child's being able to think independently.
Encourage your children to try
new things. While there's nothing wrong with encouraging your child's
talents--this will help build self-confidence as well--it's also important that
your children learn to experiment. Trying new things helps everyone overcome
fears of the unknown and helps us learn to deal with success and failure. If a
child never learns to try new things, this can create problems later in life.
After all, most people do not
live in world where everything is the same day after day. Life is constantly
changing, whether it's a move to a new
city or starting a new career. If children are
experienced at trying new things, even if small, life's bigger transitions will
be much easier--such as leaving for college and starting a career.
These are, of course, only a few
things you can do to help develop your child's self-confidence. The important
thing to remember is that it is an ongoing process. The little things do add
up, even if they seem unimportant. This can be helpful to keep in mind,
particularly when something as important as developing your child's self esteem
feels like a monumental task. It doesn't have to be! Taking time to recognize
your child for the wonderful person he or she is, combined with a few
techniques and consistency will go a long way toward raising a healthy,
confident adult.
